First back on my 15 yr anny. (June28th) my father end up in the hospital. It was very scary to me, for a number of reasons. I thought I was going to lose my dad that night. I also had other reasons which was much deeper then I ever thought they went.
I used to take care of my dad when we lived in Lakeville and I was very picky on how things were done. People say I am like that with me kids as well. lol Well I was not able to say very much this night because my sisters and mom were there. Which don't get me wrong that was ok, but something was brewing in me that I didn't know still was there for my dad.
Well as the night went on some very scary things happened with my dad of which I had no control over. My family had no idea what was happening to me they just saw me at the time as being a mess which at the time I was because I didn't realize what was happening to me either I felt something but didn't understand it I kept asking God what ever this is take it from me.
Well my dad flat lined and all these people were running into his room and I just about passed out. A women came up to me and the way she looked at me I knew she was no ordinary nurse and if you know me well enough you know I have had a lot of nurses in my life. Well this nurse completely understood. It was if she was a angel. Her words I tell you change everything that night..
"I know it hurts but you are no longer in control HE is"... I about dropped out of my seat... what happened to my heart at that moment was just incredible...
So I spent the night with my dad, I just want to be there in case something happened.. Well I didn't sleep very well. I would ask him questions he wouldn't answer me. I had to go get the nurse so she could ask the questions to find out the answers... This broke my heart I was wondering what I did that made him be like this to me. The next morning my mom got there and he brightened right up, which to be honest with you killed me inside because I am his daughter and he can't even talk to me.
Right here the next thing I learned... He loves me but wants his wife... I was so used to him needing me that when mom came in the room it was very clear that his place is with his wife.... which is the way it should be... but has not always been that why because of a seperation... I geuss it made me angery that all this time when he needed something or someone I had to stop doing what I was doing and go over there to help take care for him, I felt like he just slapped me in the face.
Well time went on and I realized that I need people to need me, to feel ok about myself. I went through a lot of questions? "is this for really or am I just dreaming this up."
Well I came to the realization that God was not the center of my life and I have a contentious spirit... I want to be right, I want to be in control, I want my way because if I let anyone else do it they will lose piece or they will be controlling over me and I told myself when I was younger NO ONE WILL EVER CONTROL ME.. well I am here to say that if you have ever said that when you were younger then you need to repent of that because then means that God can help you either. Not that He wants to control you but the growing you do in a christian life feels like he is controlling you .. The one thing I have learned about God is he is the only God out there that lets YOU choose what you want to do ... I SO LOVE THAT ABOUT HIM>>>
Well my dad is doing great and mom and him are right where they should be together and loving each other.
